Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.