Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

Okay me first

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly