Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.