Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?