[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
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Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.