Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]