Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .