Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.