Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
accurate
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!