Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.