Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
The asteroid..
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
on da cob, we all corn
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me