Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

be safe out there!

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.