Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

😂

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

Best table by far

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together