[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.