[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
You Might Also Like
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.