[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.