Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not