Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

is he marrying that labradoodle

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.