Leaving the Barbers like
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[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
They did not miss in the small print
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok