Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
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When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.