Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

Never let them know your next move 😂

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you