Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
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2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
this came to me in a vision
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first