Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*