Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?