[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Erm…
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Do one person every day that scares you.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.