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He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
This is the best one I’ve seen
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Sorry not sorry.