[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
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don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Howl 😭
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.