[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
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It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker