[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Our lord and savoury.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
what does he know…
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired