@HughGoesThere

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

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@PaperWash

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

@legreece

My dog doesn’t always bark like there’s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I’m home alone and in the shower.

@YourMomsucksTho

I might be a 42 year old woman but i identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.

@Carbosly

Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?

Works for my computer.

@momthoughts13

How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?

No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.

@jenspyra

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

@FrizerkaSandra

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

@Maxine12333

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

@LnL245

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

@DumbConfessions

*jumps from plane*

*forgets parachute*

*grabs onto flying squirrel*

*lives to tell the tale*