Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
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My dog doesn’t always bark like there’s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I’m home alone and in the shower.
I might be a 42 year old woman but i identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.
Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?
Works for my computer.
How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?
No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
*jumps from plane*
*grabs onto flying squirrel*
*lives to tell the tale*