[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
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“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Twitter is an abusement park.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD