Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

…u ok Nintendo?

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

spicy snake

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”