Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.