Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
(Gaming support cat.)
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off