Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
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My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Personal question. #JustSaying
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash