Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.