Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
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When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
bad news gang
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Mountain Goat : )
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done