Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

I can fix him.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

This made me smile…

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.

2025 me is pissed off about it.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth