Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.