Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
You Might Also Like
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts