Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

The devil.

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs