Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.