Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.