Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground