Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss called in sick of me

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.