Left at a local drug store…
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
How to find Kentucky on a map
⛄️
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son