Left at a local drug store…
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I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.