Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before