Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
You Might Also Like
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
only baby boomers will get this:
Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob
Me: If we’re naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!
Protip: If you’re walking in your office taking deep breaths because someone made popcorn, don’t forget to stop as you enter the restroom.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.