@FeelingEuphoric

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

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@AndrewsNotFunny

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

@JB4Realz

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

@thestlouisan

[Delivery room]

Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob

Me: If we’re naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!

@TheBoydP

Protip: If you’re walking in your office taking deep breaths because someone made popcorn, don’t forget to stop as you enter the restroom.

@chimneyspotter

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

@BSnapz2019

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

@Phil_Pagett

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

@AlmightyBored

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.