left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
What a website
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that