left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
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ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup