left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
You Might Also Like
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.