Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

Ghost costume 😂

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go