Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
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the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
oh shit
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
me before I type out affect or effect
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead