Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
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I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Breaking news:
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Printer ink is expensive
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
good let them take over I have had enough
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Succinctly put.
Meow
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.