Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
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Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)