Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

okay run it by me one more time

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.