Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”