Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
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[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Aight bet
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee