left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.