Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

Cucumbers Anonymous

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”