left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
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“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear