left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I feel it
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Extremely relatable.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh