Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
This makes total sense…
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’