Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
no!! no!!!!!!
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.