Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flock of bats

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

constantly working on myself.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

😂😂

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.