Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
A drum solo but on your face.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.