Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

girls literally only want one thing..

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…