Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

satan: not today, microsoft teams

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.